Metaverse is five years old!

I am proud to say that in all this time I have received no awards, set no text to blink, animated no gifs, and posted no nude pictures. (Okay, there are a few topless shots of imaginary beings.)

January 2003

Maybe the Internet has peaked... my hit rate has been pretty stable all year. The hits count page has been updated.

But never mind that; let's look at search strings people used to get here! The >> link shows what page the string took them to.

have we cloned >> If you wanted more tieboys, yes
how to eat like elvis >> This could be bigger than Atkins!
kobold names >> Honey, what you do think about Grishnâkh if it's a boy?
women urinating for revenge >> I was hoping to be first in Google for this search string, but no, I'm on page 2.
how can you tell if you appear french >> Well. Are you wearing a beret?
how to draw the genitals >> Someday this guy's going to ask 'How to upload to the web'. PH33R
how to know if you had sex with a man or a woman in brazil >> Those lingering doubts can ruin an otherwise great trip
i wonder if the world is real >> At least you believe a website can give you the answer
in what form of matter do japanese eat >> Plasma.
mathematical explanations of homosexuality >> Sorry, I can never remember diff. eq.
ware to bye marvel comics >> I think Peter Parker is too much like Jimmy Corrigan already
What do people do in Spain? >> Eat ham and dance flamenco. Next question?

what the heck do u call a robot >> If it's laser-eyed and nuclear-armed, "Sir."
wher is my clitoris? >> No, guys, I don't have her e-mail address
how do you tell if someone has has sex recently? >> The big goofy grin. Or a confused look, if they were in Brazil
SUBMARINES HOW TO BUILD >> Use the production dropdown on the city window
what is wrong with a guy when he does not want sex >> He's dead?
why do teenage girls turn out like "enid" in the film "ghost world" >> Video games and liberalism
are Republicans really Christians? >> Oh, don't get me started
BELGIUM Erotic fiction >> That's the sickest fetish ever
can a turkish man love a english woman does it work and what do turkish man expect? >> So, did it work out OK?
do you have a gun >> Twin samurai swords, baby.
female nude martial arts >> Talk about implausible costumes.
How to make him like me >> Clone yourself!
income tax should be changed so everyone is taxed on their own income >> As opposed to whose?
what else is there to use instead of just rockets >> Once you're tired of rockets, pal, you're tired of life

why do people cry? >> Because they've been mocked on the web
Chicago bands with Mike >> Uh, Mike who? Oh, wait, Mike, yeah
nude girls dressed up as magicians >> There's a little conceptual problem here
quotes to get a girl back >> Try those Jack Handey ones, they're funny
why no moon base >> Dammit, I want to know too!
how to tell if a sheep is in labour >> "Bessie is really sufferin'!" "Hang on woman, I'm a-Googlin' as fast as I can!"
nothing to do with numbers >> Must have pissed him off
fellini use of characters >> >> Note where they went... an unexpected answer but a valid one
consul of Elrond >> Forget it, the lines are too long-- go right to the embassy
find the bad words dictionary like bastard, rascal etc. >> Omigod, you said 'rascal'!
how long did the hundred year war last >> Next: Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?
how to draw enki bilal >> The tricky part is getting his nose right
What is good thing about American food >> You French people are so sarcastic
suck the breast >> Say, I am #1 in Google for this! What amuses me, though, is the idea of some joe looking for porn and deciding, OK, sure, some historical linguistics will do instead.

February 2002 Hits continue to go up. If I were a dot-com, I could capitalize at $132.6 million!

The hits count page has also been updated.

April 2001

Wow, I've been on the web for a twentieth of a century. And what better way to celebrate than making fun of search strings that people have used to find pages on

addressing wedding invitations -- You're asking this online? Well, OK. E-mail will do.
bodyguard NEAR lesbian -- Safeguard our sapphic resources!
clever lively strong sharp social beautiful woman -- Hey, I'm in favor
tintin sex milou erotica -- eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww
military boot spit shine wax -- And make it quick, Sarge is after me!
funny fat people pictures -- There's no k in 'fat people pictures'
erotic Smurfs -- isn't that an oxymoron?
the basis for a relationship -- Marrying clever lively sharp strong beautiful women
practical penis enlargement -- Happens naturally, if the sharp strong women are beautiful enough
what do aliens want of us -- Better TV. And boy are they pissed
why isn't soccer popular in america --Because Americans hate reading the subtitles
beautiful buttocks of soccer players -- I assume these are two different people
Mind Numbingly Senseless BS -- and we delivered!
i fucking said car chase scenes from movies -- sorry! sorry! ...Have you rented Bullitt?
Ayn Rand humor -- isn't that an oxymoron?
And (just about anyone) nude. Several people each week are looking for olsen twins nude. Dudes: Get. Help. Others have wanted Fran Dresher, Rosanne, or Daisy Duck. Most of the porn-seekers end up at Un Chien Spinndalou, which I hope gratifies them.

After someone got here with picture of girl and chimpanzee, I discovered that I was #1 in Google for that search string. Unfortunately I seem to have lost that honor.

The "How the hell did they end up there" sweepstakes:

custom tailored trousers >> baralex.htm
where can i buy a goosedown robe? >> baralex.htm
construction of bongs >> last.htm
bic breast girl >> proto.html
irregular panties for sale >> ismain.htm
pictures of dinosaurs long long long ago >> predic.htm
Lycra Catsuit >> heinlein.html
were can I find a web site that can tell you how to make real money look the same way that real money does? >> germcult.html
advantages and disadvantages to down comforters >> visitor.htm
full details >> virtuver.htm
her car won't start >> loveroc2.html
how do iranians flirt with the opposite sex? >> predic.htm
Where can I sell my haiku? >> spell.html
if you could be a tree what kind of tree would you be >> pomcult.html
i will marry rich widows or divorced in india >> Lovinchar.html

The "oddly appropriate" department:

what is the most popular religion >> pagan.htm
how to perform marriages and officiate funerals >> pagan.htm
where can i buy dildos made of glass >> andalou.htm
Gerorge W Bush >> yingzi/insect.gif
valid creditcard numbers >> numbers.shtml
what have we cloned already >> clone.html
suck breast >> proto.html
woman wrestlers in texas >> Lovinchar.html
stop immigration to england >> pomcult.html

The "Hey, the system works" department:

conservatives are wrong >> predic.htm
what was wrong with communism >> predic.htm
faye wong - your in my heart lyrics >> faye.htm
did thel have sex >> dfc404.html
why welfare is good >> welfare.html
is the government evil?>> gummint.html
Thanks, everybody. I hope you all find what you're looking for!

January 2001

OK, time to tote up hits for the year.

Here's the sort of geeky thing I do with the web stats... a picture of average requests (of all types) per day for the last two years. (See above; same info is in newer graph.)

December 2000

More me: you can see my Sim Games for the Successful at The Brunching Shuttlecocks (which, by the way, is one of the best humor sites on the web-- and I don't say that just because they paid me).

Also, my piece on yingzi has appeared in print, in Source, the newsletter of the American Translators Assocation's Literary Division. (Which is rather an interesting mag, focussing on the problems of translating literary works.)

August 2000

Whee! There are now a bit more than 1000 pages that link to Metaverse. (Well, probably a bit less, since some of these have gone out of business; and a bit more, because I'm sure I haven't found them all.) All the monkeys thank you very kindly.

March 2000

Hits have more than doubled since last year. I got a lot of visitors from Yahoo when they listed the Language Construction Kit... so, no more jokes about their name, no sir. Here's the most-requested pages in the last 12 months:
The main page 37,139
The Language Construction Kit 31,017
Numbers from 1 to 10 14,315
The DFC Guide 7888
The sci.lang FAQ 6060
Virtual Verduria 5084
Hergé's Syldavian 4661
The DFC Index 4464
The change log 3556
Fun facts about Quechua 3543
That's going to send coals to Newscastle, isn't it? Why not check out some of the underappreciated pages here, like my robot story, or the Excuse Generator, or my sermon against Pharisaism?

To my chagrin, there are now some actual photographs of me on the Web. No, I'm not going to tell you where; though I will note that you can get to one of them from this page in five clicks.

March 1999

The big news this year is the new domain. I got it because I was traumatized by the announcement that tezcat was closing, leaving me with the prospect that links to my pages would rot into nothingness in less than a month. Fortunately, the jackals will not feast on tezcat's bones quite yet; but will be around forever, unless I forget to pay the InterNic bill, or my guns and ammo run out after the Y2K apocalypse, or something.

It's also easier to type, no?

But the best part of the new domain? Web statistics! For instance, I got 16,576 hits last week. (And only 32 of them were for the topless pictures.)

I get all sorts of neat info on visitors. For instance, what browsers you use:

9566  Netscape

6000 Netscape-compatible
173 Slurp
37 Lynx
25 none (what a trick!)
5 CherryPickerSE
2 NetMechanic
1 htdig
and so on... what are some of these things?

Also, where are y'all from? Ignoring numeric and US domains:

 hits   bytes  domain

869: 5.80%: .nl (Netherlands)
735: 2.33%: .uk (United Kingdom)
490: 2.21%: .de (Germany)
413: 2.08%: .fr (France)
262: 1.61%: .se (Sweden)
303: 1.56%: .au (Australia)
194: 1.22%: .ca (Canada)
261: 1.12%: .no (Norway)
262: 1.00%: .fi (Finland)
80: 0.62%: .jp (Japan)
120: 0.62%: .dk (Denmark)
134: 0.59%: .es (Spain)
63: 0.49%: .it (Italy)
33: 0.36%: .ru (Russian Federation)
54: 0.32%: .be (Belgium)
38: 0.25%: .br (Brazil)
32: 0.24%: .th (Thailand)
34: 0.20%: .sg (Singapore)
24: 0.20%: .my (Malaysia)
25: 0.19%: .ch (Switzerland)
33: 0.15%: .pt (Portugal)
8: 0.14%: .lv (Latvia)
15: 0.12%: .ar (Argentina)
29: 0.12%: .kr (South Korea)
27: 0.11%: .nz (New Zealand)
6: 0.08%: .at (Austria)
13: 0.07%: .yu (Yugoslavia)
53: 0.06%: .za (South Africa)
5: 0.05%: .pl (Poland)
6: 0.05%: .mx (Mexico)
2: 0.04%: .ec (Ecuador)
2: 0.04%: .pe (Peru)
19: 0.03%: .cz (Czech Republic)
2: 0.03%: .is (Iceland)
8: 0.02%: .ua (Ukraine)
4: 0.01%: .si (Slovenia)

Even more interesting: your bank balance!

  1202:  7.25%: Overdrawn

9777: 58.98%: $0 - 1,000
3294: 19.87%: $1,001 - 2,500
1378: 8.31%: $2,501 - 10,000
925: 5.58%: $10,001 and up

and date of last sexual encounter:

   305:  1.84%: within last hour

6689: 40.35%: within last 7 days
1481: 8.93%: more than a week ago
823: 4.96%: not since last month
95: 0.57%: more than 2 years ago
7183: 43.33%: virgins

More interesting to me, of course, are what files you're after. The most popular file: the red ball .

Last week's most popular pages (excluding subpages of these):

  340:  1.76%: The Language Construction Kit

451: 1.02%: The main page
207: 1.09%: Numbers from 1 to 10 in mondo languages
111: 0.35%: The sci.lang FAQ
80: 0.55%: Horselover Fat's Inside Guide to the DFC
64: 0.35%: The change log
63: 0.69%: Fun Facts to Know and Tell about Quechua
61: 0.95%: Yingzi: Writing English Chinese-style
58: 0.45%: Amerindian Words in English
58: 0.28%: Love and Rockets Links
51: 0.23%: Virtual Verduria
47: 0.23%: The Wede:i language

And the least popular (excluding all but the least-visited Bob and quotes pages):

    8:  0.06%: Baudrillard, quel con

8: 0.04%: How I drew those maps & things
8: 0.12%: U.S. interventions in Latin America
8: 0.26%: Verdurian phrases, kin names, etc.
8: 0.01%: Where to score BDs
7: : A redirection page (nothing to see)
7: 0.52%: Cadhinorian paganism
7: 0.15%: My bad science fiction story
7: : Fuschia Chang Gets Tough
7: 0.25%: Cuzeian theism
6: 0.02%: Iain M. Banks' Excession
6: 0.01%: A Verdurian house
6: 0.23%: Verdurian names
6: 0.02%: Quotations File #4
6: 0.08%: The Lord of News
5: 0.01%: Review-O-Mat non-Java version
3: : Bob reviews Jaka's Story and Bone

Fame has struck, but not in this country: articles about this site have appeared in Le Monde, 21 fév. 1998-- that would be in France-- and in Il Corriere della Sera, 8 Marzo 1998.

Both articles focussed on my grammar of Syldavian, but Le Monde also admired Virtual Verduria, whose "futilité absolue" it found not without charm.

You can read the Le Monde article here.

Speaking of charming futility, don't you want to learn Verdurian-- or Verdurese, as il Corriere translated it? See the Ambassadorial Service page for the roster of students and embassies of Verduria.

Ave, drukî Verdúrë! Mun lübao!

I've found more than 900 pages [as of March 2000] whose creators have had the exquisite taste to add links to my pages. The most popular linkages are the sci.lang FAQ, the Language Construction Kit and the numbers from 1 to 10 in 2500 languages, with over 100 each. Following that are the Syldavian grammar, my L&R stuff, the main page, and the Quechua page.

A guy in Sweden says Metaverse is like a big bag of candy; a Philippine webzine gave the Zompist Phrasebook a low 1 out of 5 on "Design"; and the folks at Wraithspace thought I must have too much time on my hands.

The funniest links I've found:

I do get a little feedback these days on my comic strip, Fuschia Chang. The nicest mail was from an Asian-American lesbian, so the imposture isn't completely unsuccessful. As soon as my novel's in the mail I'll draw more. Or should I just finish my Fuschia KISS set?

I've also corresponded with Tintin fans in Belgium, conlang creators from Argentina to Hungary, many linguists, collectors of numbers in Australia, Hong Kong, Russia, and Ohio, an Italian grad student studying FAQs as a text form, a British pop star, speakers of Quechua (rimaykullayki, amigukuna!), fellow fans of Faye Wong, a star science fiction writer, and a right-winger who argued with me for awhile, muttered about the liberal media, and suddenly disappeared.

Here are the most frequently asked questions about me:
What do you do anyway? Are you a linguist?
I work as a programmer. But what I really want to do is direct.

Where do you live?
In Oak Park, Illinois, where Ernest Hemingway was born, and lived till he could move out. Also where Frank Lloyd Wright lived until he ditched his family for another woman. For non-Americans: Oak Park is just outside Chicago, the city of Al Capone.

How long did it take you to do all that Verdurian stuff ?
Going on twenty years now.

How do you find the time for all this?
I don't have kids and I don't watch TV.

Would you like to MAKE MONEY FAST?
Yes. Send me as much as you like.
Questions no one ever asks, so I won't answer them here:

Still more me? My latest paper publication appeared in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, vol. 43, No. 5/6, 1998-- "Bring Glamour Back to Science!" I can't quote it here, but I can include the suggestion that they snipped:
Abstracts are normally written in mind-deadening jargon, something like this:
"LLC-MK2 cell monolayers infected with Trypanosoma cruzi were shown by immunifluorescence to present parasite antigens on the surface of both parasitized and non-parasitized cells after completion of the first intracellular cycle and rupture of infected cells. The origin of this antigen, as well as its role in the pathogenesis of Chagas' disease, are discussed."
A more modern and effective method of presentation can be learned from rap artists, as follows:
That Trypanosoma cruzi
Mothah leaves you feelin' woozy.
We injected it in cells
Made a microscopic hell
And we found the antigens
Starin' right back thru the lens
From the cells that was infected
Plus the others we inspected.
When a bro comes down with Chagas'
Life ain't no Las Vegas.

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