Quote that sucker (6):

Genres exist so morons don't forget what they like to read.
--David Miller

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
--unknown; attributions welcome

Why should I paint dead fish, onions, and beer glasses? Girls are so much prettier.
--Marie Laurencin

While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons, bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself.
--The I Ching

I don't think USENET is an anarchy. It isn't that well organized.
--Simon von Dongen

Every program attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can.
--the Law of Software Envelopment, cited by Jamie Zawinski

Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments.
--Neal Stephenson

I do feel... that I now have a better understanding of what the key problems are than I did ten years ago. At times I even persuade myself that I can glimpse some of the answers, but this is a common delusion experienced by anyone who dwells too long on a single problem.
--Francis Crick

I grew up assuming women were our equals. I can't imagine thinking I'm better suited to hack C code because of my penis-- frankly, I rarely use my penis at all while I'm working.
--Dave Eisen

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
--Brian Kernighan

Here's the secret that every successful software company is based on: You can domesticate programmers the way beekeepers tame bees. You can't exactly communicate with them, but you can get them to swarm in one place and when they're not looking, you can carry off the honey.
--Orson Scott Card

Use of paper has continued to soar. It is as though paper is taking its revenge on the futurists-- not that any futurist has ever lost business because of a wrong prediction.
--Edward Tenner

Consciousness is knowing what you thought last; free-will is not knowing what you'll think next.
--Justin B. Rye

I live by two rules:
1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small stuff.
--Agent Orange

Americans don't want leadership. They want alchemy.
--Michael Kinsley

I've had it with political jokes. They keep on getting elected.
--Will Rogers

Supporter: You'll have the support of all thinking Americans, Mr. Stevenson!
Adlai: Not enough. I'm going to need a majority.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.
--Evan Esar

Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans.
--An Australian, commenting on Monicagate

A man who likes flea markets and isn't gay? I knew I was lucky.
--Lynda Barry (of her husband)

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
--A 6th grade science student

Surrealism is my cup of fur.
--Namgubed the Merry Elf

I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left but running here again
I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can't resist the things that make no sense
--Tom Tykwer, J. Klimek, R. Heil (theme song of
Run Lola Run)

Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.
Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.
--Neil Gaiman

In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing. (When you're winning, you just sit there and grin like an idiot.)
--Garrison Keillor

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
--Martin Mull

The last person who really, really wanted to listen to a twenty-minute guitar solo finally flatlined in late 1978.
--The Ferrett

Istanbul is Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night
Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
(People just liked it better that way)
So take me back to Constantinople
No you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks.
--James Kennedy and Nat Simon

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
--Dorothy Parker

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.
--Garrison Keillor

The Moulin Rouge is, like the West Village and the Nasdaq, one of those places that people who don't like to take risks come to for the thrill of being on the spot where risks once were taken.
--Michael Lewis

There is no rule of law until the Mafia needs lawyers.
--Stephen Holmes

I don't want to be living in the 21st century... I just know everyone is going to be walking around in silver jumpsuits! Where the hell am I going to find a nice hat in a world like that?

Just imagine we are meeting the aliens for the first time. Most people would just shoot them to see how many points they are worth.
--Simon Cozens

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
-- Abraham Lincoln

She spoke five different languages and knew how to say, "Buy me this," in all of them.
-- Lea DeLaria

However hard the Enterprise tries to boldly go where no man has gone before, it always finds people already there.
--Justin B. Rye

The evil in question reappears in the world after you vanquish it, often within mere minutes, and the world as a whole never changes because of anything you do. So in that way it's less like being a fantasy adventurer and more like being a social worker.
--Lore Sjöberg, on Everquest

Note: All fantasy worlds are roughly square, i.e. the shape of the double page of a paperback.
--Not the Net

(sniff sniff) -- If we get out of this alive, Max, what do you say we go out for some ribs?
--Steve Purcell's Sam, as a villain succumbs to spontaneous human combustion

Oooh, neat! Santa got caught in this bear trap I set! Wow! He gnawed his own foot off to escape! ...Hey, just kidding, Sam.

Tips for Embezzlers:
If your boss buys you lunch, don't thank him. After all, it's ultimately coming out of your pocket.

"What's wrong?" I yelled. "We can't stop here. This is bat country!"
--Hunter S. Thompson

"Vodka martini," I said. "Incredibly dry. Powdered, if you've got it."
--Hugh Laurie

The first time I had sex with a girl I could not believe my luck. It was as if I were living some Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fantasy of over-the-top abundance that vastly exceeded any fantasy I might have allowed myself. I still feel that way when I get to kiss a girl and do exactly as I please.
--Deb Schwartz

If you watch lizards and lions copulating, then you will see that in 200 million years the male has not had a single new idea.
--Robert Ardrey, The Hunting Hypothesis (1976)

She thinks I'm the one to blame but that's not right
My shoes are in control, they planned it
For years my shoes have been my friends
I've taken them around the world and to its ends
Now they're taking me
--The Bobs

Uh oh, sounds like the machine is demonically possessed again. Better than no messages at all, though!
-- Max (by Steve Purcell)

Sam: Something bizarre is happening at the carnival.
Max: I thought that was the whole point.
--Sam & Max Hit the Road

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