Inspector Kinnian Meets Godzilla

1

Inspector Kinnian calmly regarded the figure at the table, slumped over into the spaghetti.

"I don't know how it happened, Inspector," said Mrs. Omophage. "Poor Leroy was just sitting there eating his spaghetti with a spoon when he make a choking sound and collapsed. By the time Humbert and I had rushed over to him, he was dead."

"Yep," affirmed Humbert curtly, entering the room just then with a chemistry textbook under his arm.

"Was there any insurance?" asked Inspector Kinnian.

"A few hundred thousand. I don't know exactly; Leroy always handled things like that."

"Does your family often eat spaghetti?"

"Yes-- Leroy loved it. We have it to celebrate big occasions-- like when Leroy finally finished his will yesterday."

"I see. Do you enjoy spaghetti yourself?"

"Usually, but last night I had a headache and couldn't eat."

"Very well, Mrs. Omophage. I believe that Mr. Omophage was murdered by your son Humbert."

How did Inspector Kinnian find Humbert out?


(Answer. As Humbert was entering the room, he had taken the knife out of Leroy Omophage's back, wiped it off and put it back in his pocket.)


2

Zara Bacrarbek, the glamorous movie idol, was weeping over the corpse of her lover, Adam Edam, his head fatally wedged in a gallon can of Jewel Maid anchovies.

Inspector Kinnian looked over the room appraisingly. "How did it happen, ma'am?" he asked. "Well, I was out on my usual Thursday night outing-- you know, a party, a divorce, maybe dinner at Jimmy Chong's."

"Sam Loo's is better," said Kinnian.

"Yes, but Jimmy is an old friend of mine-- I knew him when his name was still Manischevitz. Anyway, when I came home, my butler-- Jeeves-- told me that Adam was dead." She paused to daub a tear. "Jeeves was reading the Daily Express when he heard some scraping noises from Adam's room. He finished a crossword puzzle and rushed into the room, but it was too late. There was Adam" --she was sobbing now-- "with his head caught in a gallon can of Jewel Maid anchovies!"

"I'd like to talk to Jeeves," said Inspector Kinnian. "He has some things to explain-- like why he killed Adam Edam."

How did Inspector Kinnian know that Jeeves was lying?


(Answer. Butlers do not read the Daily Express; they read nothing but the Times. In any case, as Inspector Kinnian well knew, people who work crossword puzzles commit three out of four crimes.)


3

Guts Ileum floated lazily on the Chicago River-- succumbed to a cause of death too absurd to mention.

"I didn't do it, copper," stammered his erstwhile partner, Bones Ulna. "We were walking along the river, talking about kidnapping Sugar Rautbord, when he suddenly did a back flip and fell into the river."

Inspector Kinnian considered. "You were his partner and long-time crony, were you not?"

"Yeah. We ran an opium den on Halsted, but it was really a front for a bait shop."

"And you were both involved in last year's attempt to steal Calumet Harbor and sell it to a fence in Kansas?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't see how that has anything to do with--"

"You went too far this time, Ulna. I'm arresting you for the murder of Guts Ileum."

How did Inspector Kinnian know that Bones had dispatched Guts Ileum?


(Answer. Inspector Kinnian had been crossing a bridge over the ridver just as Bones was pushing Ileum off a quay, whatever that is.)

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